Your Horoscope for Today
by chiagirl
Summary: Midorima listens to his Oh Asa fortune for the day, but it's not quite what he expected. Set to the song "Your Horoscope for Today" by 'Weird Al' Yankovic. Basically a crackfic. I wrote this years ago, but I hope you'll still enjoy it regardless. Spoiler free.


**"Your Horoscope For Today"**

Midorima was currently in the middle of his daily morning ritual of preparing breakfast and waiting for Oh Asa to give him his fortune for the day. He had just set himself down with a bowl of corn flakes when it began.

"…and for today we have something extra special for all our listeners. Alfred Matthew also known as 'Weird Al' Yankovic is here to sing today's horoscopes for you all! I hope you enjoy."

Well that was different, but he supposed as long as he got his horoscope it didn't really matter. Besides, it would likely only be for one day. He heard the music begin and the lyrics float through the speakers:

 _Aquarius  
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus  
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day_

 **What!?** That was by far the worst horoscope he'd heard for anyone in a long time. Aquarius must have all their bad luck for the year stored up for today. He had to call Kuroko and warn him to stay away from buses. Although they didn't particularly get along well, the thought of Kuroko losing his tongue and becoming mute didn't sit well with him. He'd picked up the phone to start dialing when the next horoscope was broadcast.

 _Pisces  
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus  
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say_

Thankfully, he didn't think he knew any Pisces. Even though he wasn't a Pisces himself, he thought it best that he should avoid Virgos and Leos anyway, just in case. He made a mental note to stay clear of Aomine and Kagami for a while.

 _Aries  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep_

…These horoscopes just kept getting worse and worse. He was beginning to become afraid of what his was going to say.

 _Taurus  
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep  
_

How awful for Momoi! Still, compared to the other horoscopes he'd been hearing, she could be said to have gotten off relatively light. The music continued, chanting something about, " _That's your horoscope for today"_ before moving on to the next sign.

 _Gemini_  
 _Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence_  
 _Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest_

He had no idea Kise had that kind of problem. He also didn't think Kise had a fiancé, but he thought it was probably a good idea to warn him just in case. As he still needed to dial Kuroko on his cell phone, he ran for the home phone to call Kise at the same time. This was too important to wait.

 _Cancer_  
 _The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud_  
 _Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test_

He promptly tripped over his own feet and fell over upon hearing his horoscope. He did in fact have a driver's test coming up, and up until now he had been looking forward to it as it meant he would no longer have to suffer through Takao and his wagon. He had no idea why duct tape would be involved, unless that happened to be his lucky item for the day. But the first part of his horoscope was far worse. Surely he would suffocate!

 _Leo_  
 _Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no_  
 _Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik_

…Sadly, he could see Kagami doing that. Although why he got off so well when his horoscope was so awful was beyond unfair. It must be a lucky day for Leos.

 _Virgo_  
 _All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you_  
 _Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick_

It was true that Aomine wasn't exactly the friendliest guy on the planet. But he didn't think he'd ticked anyone off enough for something like that to happen to him! He needed to call him too. He picked up the one house phone off the hook and went to find one of his parent's cell phones. This was an emergency! Meanwhile the song continued.

 _Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely_  
 _that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have_  
 _a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,_  
 _but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions_  
 _are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have_  
 _to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true._

 _Where was I?_

That may be the only good thing he'd heard all day. If only everyone else realized the truth behind Oh Asa.

 _Libra_  
 _A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you_  
 _Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week_

Not Murasakibara too! He didn't have enough phones for this. Looks like he was going to have to grab both his parent's cell phones.

 _Scorpio_  
 _Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window_  
 _Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak_

And now he had to call Takao too! And he really didn't have enough phones. He was trying to sort out whose life was in the least danger as they would just have to wait when the next horoscope came on.

 _Sagittarius_  
 _All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)_  
 _Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den_

He dropped all the phones. Forget everyone else. If Akashi was coming to kill them, he needed to save his own skin. Not that anything he could come up with was likely to do much good against him, but he was dead if he did nothing.

 _Capricorn_  
 _The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying_  
 _If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again_

While he was a Scorpio, that sounded like some pretty good advice considering what he had just learned. But first, he needed to run outside and get some mud. There was no use fighting his horoscope when he needed all the luck he could get.

* * *

 _A few hours later…_

"Shin-chan? Shin-chan open up!" I know you're in there! Are you dead? You didn't come to school today! You never miss school, much less practice! Are you sick? Shin-chan!" Takao banged on the door furiously. He'd tried all the doors in the house and found them all locked. Even the windows were locked. He tried calling Midorima's cell phone for the 4th time today, only to have it go straight to voicemail _again._ What if he really was dead? Maybe he was dying right now and nobody knew.

He could only think of one other way to get into the house. He climbed his way up to the roof, and looked down the chimney. He couldn't see any fire, so he figured it was as safe as it was going to get. He slowly and painstakingly made his way down. It would have been quite a long fall if he'd simply jumped.

After looking around the hose for a bit, he finally found Midorima. Lying face down. In the bathtub. Which looked to be filled with mud.

"Oh my God he's dead!"

Midorima pushed himself up a bit. The front of his shirt and pants, not to mention his face, were all covered in mud. "Takao…?"

"You've alive!" Takao hugged the confused Midorima, not caring that he was getting mud all over himself in the process. "I thought you were dead!"

"How did you even get in here?"

"Chimney." Midorima cursed and went downstairs to fix that problem. If Takao could figure that out, so could Akashi. Takao followed him. "Why were you in a bathtub of mud anyway?"

"Because Oh Asa told me to. Also, be sure to avoid any open windows for the rest of the day," he said, gathering newspapers and a box of matches.

"Huh?" Takao pulled out his phone and went on the internet to look for Oh Asa's daily horoscope. "Oh my…" That was…certainly different from usual. But then Takao remembered one important fact, which also happened to be the reason why he had been extra upset when Midorima had not showed up for classes today. "Shin-chan, do you know what day it is?"

"Wednesday." Midorima threw some logs in the fireplace and crumpled some newspaper on top of them.

"No not that. I mean the date."

"April 1st," he said striking a match and lighting the logs on fire, then closing the fireplace.

"And…" Takao looked at him expectantly, but it seemed Midorima wasn't putting two and two together. "What's special about April 1st?"

"It's April Fo-" Midorima paused. It seemed realization had finally hit him.

"You just got trolled." Takao started laughing like a maniac.

Truth be told, Midorima really did feel like a fool right now. He thought he probably looked like one too, considering he was covered in mud. And he couldn't even take a shower to get rid of it because he had filled the bathtub with it too. He was going to have to haul that all out of there first. He sighed. "I'm going to go clean out the bathtub. You do whatever you want." With that, he started the slow trudge up the stairs.

Takao continued to be immobilized by laughter.

* * *

He had eventually managed to clean up the bathroom, although it had taken up most of the day. He'd cleaned himself up as well, and was currently watching the news before he headed upstairs to bed. One particular story caught his interest:

"…born June 1st, was killed at the history museum when his fiancé hurled a javelin through his chest. Police arrived…"

Midorima ran back outside to get all the mud he could find.


End file.
